I’M NOT SURE…

I’m not sure how to do this.

I’m not sure how to watch you fade away

Your eyes growing dim

Not focusing as they did

Looking cloudy and grey

Where once they were clear and blue.

I’m not sure how to make you smile anymore

Your smile comes more rarely

Partially 

Yet still brings light

And brings my smile in response

Is it because you’re not hearing us?

Or because you’re not tracking?

I’m not sure how to feel

Sad to see you unresponsive

But bodily present

Heart-breaking to watch you 

trying to make sense of things

Painful to see you in pain

I grieve to know you are no longer truly there

… to perceive only random pieces of 

Your vibrant being

now so muted.

I’m not sure how to see you

You are here

Yet…

You are not here

You recognize me

Then you don’t.

It truly is a long good-bye.

I’m not sure how to respond

Sad that you need so much care

Inadequate because I’m not equipped to provide it

Relieved that they are keeping you in 

Guilty because I’m relieved

Conflicted – to have you home would be good

But to take on your care so stressful.

I’m not sure how to do this

To say good-bye to one so loved

Who is already gone

Yet not gone.

But know you are loved

And already missed.

…Though I’ll see you today when I visit.

But then you were truly not there…

Having finally left your body behind

So we have said our final good-byes …

Not knowing they were the final ones…

Until we meet again in Father’s House.

Missing you, Mom.